you feel really lonely a lot.
I have to move again, because to guy i'm living with now is afraid of Cali. all the new things, tornados, mud slides. he's scared. so he's giving his job possition to an other employee and we're moving to some other place, no sure where yet. he's talking texas...
He's my legal gaurdian now, and his name is James we all cal him J though. he's like my dad now, my real dad is more like a friend, because he lives so far away. man i hate moving so much.

i feel like such an ass for even starting this damn stuff. all because of some tiny tiss of a tommy problem. fucking stupid, if you ask me. now my friends are around less and my lover has even taken a dive from reality in his own womb of chaos and disorder. my one problem has caused a wreck or of disemboling pain even worse, and it gets more worse. my best friend refuses to give me safe work, away from my other kind, and possibly get back to normality, for me, just becuase he's had exsperance and last time he let this happen his store went to shambles because of dementia and delirium.

I dont know what to do about it, i've seen doctors, nurses, physisians, phsycologists, theripists, counselors, policemen (that i never want to see again) even a rahab specialist, and would you believe them NOTHING has helped nothing, nothing, nothing nothing.

nothing is all i am anymore.

i was born into a nothing family with a gay dad and a bitch mom, a nothing house that burned the other day, a nothing job, the only thing i'm living for now are the friends i have left and my lover.

gee if it werent for him, i'd be even more of nothing, dirt nothing, worms would have fed from my skin and i would have been exceated only to be walked on more.

Ahhh i'm all done packing and moving to Cali!!! in 4 days!!!
i'm excited, but sad at the same time.
those people better except me or i'll knock 'em out. lol

yeah, i know some one is going to read this and he's going to know i'm talking about him. but this is a little bit of my love story.

i was confused at first "am i gay?" i asked then it happened, i fell in love with a male. he was all good at first, then ripped my soul to shredds. *slash**slash*

i fell for a lovely blonde. dated him for a while then found out i wasn't his one love.*slash*cut*slash*scar*scar*

then after a few short flings came the worst.

i fell deaply in love with a gorgious brown eyes guy, by the name of Taru. me and him were perfect. we dated for a few months and then ...

he had to leave...forever. i could never see my love again. *tears**slash*Cut*cut cut cut* walk* bridge* ledge* thoughts* i didn't jump "promise me you won't hurt yourself, I love you" those words kept me alive. so i wrote and i wrote and then found love again. i didn't give up, but the wounds still exists. they still throb and burn and bleed, but little by little they heal, even though i've found another. i still wonder...somtimes...but never dwell on the thought.

remember NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE.

even if you feel there is no hope.

you'r my friend and i love you in just about every possible way. if i lived closer i would give you a hug and kiss and tell you TRUE love is not as far away as you think, it's just slow, give it time and you'll find your one life long partner the one you love.